Good afternoon, my name is Lynsey Strader. Ben and I have been married for almost 8 years. We met in high school in Utah, where we were just friends until destiny stepped in. Ben had been home from his mission for over a year and we both were home on a break from college. I was getting my tonsils removed, and we joke that the reason we started dating is because I was heavily medicated. I like to tell people that Lortab brought us together. In fact, I still keep some on hand any time I get frustrated with him.
We moved here from North Phoenix and have been in the ward since September. We will hopefully be here for the next 3 years while Ben is in school, working on his doctorate degree in Psychology. We have two children, Caleb who is 5 and Leah who is 1. Even though we've only been here for a couple of months, we've been extremely grateful to those who have reached out to us in the ward, and the support we've felt from the bishopbric.
We moved here from North Phoenix and have been in the ward since September. We will hopefully be here for the next 3 years while Ben is in school, working on his doctorate degree in Psychology. We have two children, Caleb who is 5 and Leah who is 1. Even though we've only been here for a couple of months, we've been extremely grateful to those who have reached out to us in the ward, and the support we've felt from the bishopbric.
I am speaking today on the talk given by Elder Uchtdorf titled, "Of Things That Matter Most." I loved reading the thoughts of this wise man and the perspective his words gave me to apply to my own life.
Elder Uchtdorf began his talk by speaking of different elements on earth that tend to slow down during difficult times. One example he gave was in reference to the way that trees grow and remarked that scientists have discovered that "during seasons when growing conditions are not ideal, trees slow down their growth and devote their energy to the basic elements necessary for survival."
He also commented on experiencing turbulence during a flight on an airplane. Elder Uchtdorf said that an inexperienced pilot might think the best way to get through turbulence would be to increase the speed of the plane, in hopes of getting through the turbulence quicker. However an experienced pilot would know that they would need to do the opposite--and that most of the time, in order to efficiently go through turbulence the best option would be to decrease the speed.
My husband will sometimes say to me that we need to "batten down the hatches." This is a term that originated from men at sea, closing up the ship when they could see that bad weather was ahead. I had never thought of it this way, but it really is what we need to do when we are facing trials.
Elder Uchtdorf made these references to apply to our lives. When we're in the middle of trials, or stressful times, we often continue at the same fast-paced schedule that we keep during more calm times, or sometimes we even increase the pace of our lives during stressful periods.
He commented that reacting this way and overscheduling our lives can cause unnecessary complications, and can often lead to "increased frustration, diminished joy, and too little sense of meaning" in our lives.
So how do we avoid making things more difficult on ourselves?
Elder Uchtdorf remarks: "The wise understand and apply the lessons of tree rings and air turbulence. They resist the temptation to get caught up in the frantic rush of everyday life. They follow the advice “There is more to life than increasing its speed.”1 In short, they focus on the things that matter most."
He refers to a talk that Elder Oaks had given in a recent conference regarding deciding between what is good, what is better, and what is best.
I love that Elder Uchtdorf referred to this talk, because there have been so many times that these words have come to my mind: good, better, best. It has helped me navigate through tough decisions much easier than before. I have learned to adjust priorities in my life and then base the schedule of my day, weeks and months to how i can utilize my time to work toward always doing what is best. It is a continued work in progress, I am not perfect. I am learning, and sometimes the hard way. Sometimes I make the wrong decision and feel regret that I did not choose what was best, but it's a lesson that I learn from, trying to not make that same mistake again.
Each of us as individuals need to decide for ourselves what we think is best. But for me, truly learning this lesson has not only made my life run smoother, but my testimony has increased, my connection with my husband and children have increased, and my true self-worth has improved.
How do we know what is best for our lives?
Elder Uchtdorf refers to the "Power of Basics" and says:
"The holy scriptures and the spoken word of the living prophets give emphasis to the fundamental principles and doctrines of the gospel. The reason we return to these foundational principles, to the pure doctrines, is because they are the gateway to truths of profound meaning. They are the door to experiences of sublime importance that would otherwise be beyond our capacity to comprehend. These simple, basic principles are the key to living in harmony with God and man. They are the keys to opening the windows of heaven. They lead us to the peace, joy, and understanding that Heavenly Father has promised to His children who hear and obey Him."
In our last ward, I served in the Primary Presidency and when I first accepted the calling, I thought of how much I could teach the children. However, they were often who taught me. When we refer to what I call "the primary answers" to questions, such as reading our scriptures, saying our prayers, attending the temple, going to church, paying our tithing ....these really are the foundation of what holds us steady during difficult times. I realized as I served those children in our last ward that their immediate faith in blessings that would come because of keeping this idea of "basics" in our gospel were actually true.
Many times when I have personally struggled I have realized that I can usually trace other things that I had been lacking in my life that fall in the category of the primary answers....the basics. I also realized that I had filled my time with other things that were not as important as other things I had filled my time with. So I would re-prioritize, slow down and implement those basics back into my daily routine and even though my trials didn't disappear, my attitude about them and outlook on life in general was lifted, and changed so that I was able to endure my trials a little bit easier.
Elder Uchtdorf also categorizes the basics into 4 things: our relationship with God, our relationship with our families, our relationship with our fellowman, and our relationship with our selves. I'm going to speak a little about each one, and talk about our relationship with our Father in Heaven as the last one.
When I think of my little family, I realize that some of my most important memories haven't happened during soccer games or out on playdates or at a music class. They have happened when we're sitting together and reading books, or just playing outside together, or all participating in a game of hide-and-go-seek. Sometimes I feel like my days with my children are rushed and full of running from one place to another without a lot of time for conversation.
One of the things I love the most about Caleb is that he's a talker. He loves to tell me the newest thing he's learned at school or which dinosaur is bigger than a house or just pretty much any thought that enters his mind. I realize that on days that are packed full of running around, I don't get to hear those thoughts of his, and I miss them. And with Leah, she is pretty easy-going and loves to wander around the house most of the day and turn anything into a toy. The mornings when it is just she and I while Caleb is at school are some of my favorite moments with her. I get to watch her imagination work and interact with her in ways that I don't get to otherwise.
My time with my husband is extremely important to me. Because he goes to school full-time and works part-time, we try to make the time that we do have together valuable. We turn off the T.V., close up the computers and turn off the phones and just talk. I've realized that there are very few things more important than my connection with Ben. I'm grateful that he's my husband and that we still love each other so much after almost 8 years of marriage.
Elder Uchtdorf also refers to establishing a "divine bond with each other as we approach God together through family prayer, gospel study, and Sunday worship." This is something that I think is central to a foundation of a family and will be something that I know our children will look back on as an important part of their childhood.
When referring to our relationship with our fellowman, Elder Uchtdorf says that "we build this relationship one person at a time—by being sensitive to the needs of others, serving them, and giving of our time and talents." There are always others besides ourselves going through trials. I believe that by reaching out to lighten their load, we will also be lightening our own.
As far as having a relationship with our own self, this has been something that I have personally been working on for almost a year now. Sometimes we can be our own worst enemies, telling ourselves that we are inadequate and not good enough. I know for myself I was doing that without even realizing it most of the time. I did not take care of my spirit, as a daughter of God. As I have changed those negative thoughts and counteracted them with positive ones about myself, my outlook on life has changed. I am kinder to myself, more forgiving of my mistakes and overall just love myself more. And in place I have found my abilities as a mother, wife and friend change. I still struggle sometimes but I have realized that by building myself up I can also handle trials with a better, more optimistic attitude.
For me, the most important relationship to constantly be aware of and do our best to improve is the relationship we have with our Heavenly Father. I have thought a lot about what I want to teach my children. And I've thought about what would be good that i could teach them, what would be better, and what would be best. I've asked myself: if they could learn just one thing from me, what would I want it to be? What would be the most important thing I would want them to know in their lives, that would help them in any situation?
For a while I thought that it would be to show them & tell them my love for them was unconditional, that I would love them no matter what. But for the past few weeks I have had this feeling that even though that is a wonderful thing for them to learn from me, I know as they grow older, it will not be enough. There will come a time when I am no longer on this earth, and will my love for them hold them steady during times when they are struggling? It might. But can I be sure? I really can't.
I have realized that for me, the single most important thing that I can teach my children is that they are children of a loving Father in Heaven and that they are never alone. Even when they feel most lonely, or sad, or afraid, or despaired.
When we put all of our faith in people or things, even if it's with good intentions... like loving a child or loving a mother or loving a husband, or in our success, or in our education, or even sometimes in a religion....well, it's like putting all of our faith into a feather that we hold in our hand and let go in the wind. We don't have control over any of these things.
People are not perfect. They have their agency. i remember as a newlywed sometimes i would think to myself "if ben dies before me i have no idea how i'll be able to continue living without him." well what if ben does die? or what if he doesn't die, but decides to go through a mid-life crisis and choose a path that leads him away from me? even though i don't like thinking about it, it could happen. it has happened, to men just as amazing as ben.
so if i've put all of my love and all of my faith and my competency as a human being in ben....where will that leave me if he decides to exercise his agency?
life is unstable. our home could be hit with an earthquake tomorrow morning, wiping out all of our possessions. or ben could be in an accident that causes permanent brain damage, making the past 2 years of pursuing his education worth nothing.
i think of Job, a faithful man who had almost everything taken from him. his children were killed, his house was destroyed, and all of his animals were taken. he was then stricken with boils covering his body. yet he did not curse god, but instead defended him to others that tried to provoke him.
i have seen many people go through difficult things in life, situations that i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. i personally don't believe that God plants trials just to cause us pain, or cause us hurt. sometimes we are given trials to humble us, or to teach us. sometimes we suffer trials at the hands of others, who are just exercising their free will and we are simply innocent victims along their path. but for me, the why is not the most important thing to worry about. the why seems to be what people can get caught up in, and it actually can become such a distraction in the big scheme of things.
i have heard many ask, "why would God put me through this? why would he want me to suffer this way?"
and the answer for me is very simple:
to bring us closer to him.
whether it's a trial deemed by God or not, it doesn't matter. a trial is a trial. and going through it may just be life. but it's what we do with that trial that counts. where our hearts turns, where our thoughts turn.
one of my most favorite scriptures is Helaman 5:12:
And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."
and this is what it's about for me.
if i could teach my children one thing, just one. the best thing.
it would be that God + ME = ENOUGH.
it would be that no matter what, that they are not, and will never be, alone. no matter how lonely they feel, or how sad, or how angry, or how unloved. no matter what mistakes they make, or which path they choose.
even though i know how important it is for them to know that their father and mother love them no matter what, it is more important for my children to know that they are loved by a God who will never die, who does not go through mid-life crises, who can't be destroyed by earthquakes or brain damage, or terminal illnesses, or hatred.
the rest of the things in life like going to work every day, to school every day, doing laundry, changing diapers, getting married, making friends....these are all amazing blessings and also simple distractions to what is most important. but to live in this world, we have to participate in these things. i just want my children to remember that all of these things are great, but they are also feathers in a wind that is always changing, and never in our control.
the only constant any of us have is our Heavenly Father.
i feel like....if my children really do come to know this, that the rest of their lives will be spent living in harmony of things that are good. they will already be kind, hard-working, loving, honest, respectful, humble, God-loving people. all of those things will fall into place if they truly know and feel deep down in their souls that they are important to the Most Important One.
i've gained a new appreciation of my role. children learn by example, so my new goal is not just for caleb and leah to have this foundation in their lives, but for me to have it in mine. to live every day with the knowledge that i am also important, and that i know that Heavenly Father loves me as much as he loves them. to walk around, picking up their laundry and driving them to school, and changing their diapers knowing that there are higher purposes at work.
and that no matter what happens to me, i will not lose faith. that the feathers i grasp in my hands are just feathers, but that my foundation is built upon my Rock, and my Redeemer.
In closing, Elder Uchtdorf says:
"Strength comes not from frantic activity but from being settled on a firm foundation of truth and light. It comes from placing our attention and efforts on the basics of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. It comes from paying attention to the divine things that matter most.
Let us simplify our lives a little. Let us make the changes necessary to refocus our lives on the sublime beauty of the simple, humble path of Christian discipleship—the path that leads always toward a life of meaning, gladness, and peace."
